My Spiritual Journey

Do Holidays bring out the best in you or the worst in you?

I would have to answer that question with the worst.

The stress of traveling with 3 littles and the pressure of trying to keep the family sane all while operating on very little sleep overtakes me.

I don't want circumstances to overtake me.

I want the Spirit to overtake me.

Romans 7:15-8:4 "For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. 17 So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. 18 For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. 19 For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. 20 Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me.

21 So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand. 22 For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, 23 but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. 24 Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? 25 Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin.

There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. 2 For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death. 3 For God has done what the law, weakened by the flesh, could not do. By sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and for sin, he condemned sin in the flesh, 4 in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not according to the flesh but according to the Spirit."

I guess the holidays are the "law" in my life that points out my sins. So for the month of December, I am waging war against the "law of sin that dwells in my members."

No books, no new disciplines, no new anything. Just God's Word and me. Nothing fancy and no grand plans. Just need to get out of the way and live according to the Spirit more. Back to the basics.

How, you ask? Great question with maybe not a great answer yet. I'm sure God will open my eyes as I walk forward. Its a journey that I've been on for awhile; one of dying to myself and allowing Christ to live in me, and I have no great answers or magic formulas for how to do it great and quickly. But I will keep pushing forward knowing that the battle has already been won and Christ already has the victory, and He will give me the grace I need to submit to His Spirit today.


So here's my plan to keep me submitted in the midst of crazy holiday stuff:

• Continue my time in the morning in the Lord. Right now I'm reading through the book of Daniel
  
• Read through the Psalms before bed so my thoughts while sleeping are of God's word and not of anything else
  

• During afternoon naps and during the evening after the kids are down, stop and do a prayer examen. This helps me refocus and immediately confess and repent of any "sin that dwells within me" so that it does not linger or take root in my heart.
• Continue to "pray without ceasing" by assigning my daily tasks a prayer request so that my heart and mind are continually focused on Christ.
  

Its funny. It takes the holidays to get me serious about denying everything I want to do with my time and replacing that with pursuing Christ.

What are you pursuing this holiday season?

My Spiritual Journey

Instead of my personal journey, let's do something a bit different and try to create some dialogue =)

My favorite way to review the scripture I'm memorizing is by taping the verses to the outside of the shower (ignore the soap scum. Who invented glass showers anyway? Certainly not the person who had to clean them!)

Even if little faces are pressed up against the outside of the shower(which they often are), I can't hear what they're saying over the water, so I can still concentrate on the verses I'm memorizing.
So now its your turn. How do you memorize scripture?

My Spiritual Journey

I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you shall be clean from all your uncleannesses, and from all your idols I will cleanse you
Ezekiel 36:25

Meditating on God's word is powerful and life changing. This week I spent the week meditating on vs. 25

"from all your idols I will cleanse you."


Idols. Those things that you worship in addition to or more than God. These words were clearly impressed on my heart, so I knew God was calling me to take time to sit with him so he could reveal some idols I had formed in my heart. I was expecting Him to tell me I had started making my kids or my house or my ministries an idol. I wasn't expecting Him to tell me this, but plain as day, He said

You are your own idol.

Me? How could I be my own idol? I am sacrificing everything I used to want or desire in order to stay home and raise and disciple my children. I'm giving my life to what God called me to. How can I be an idol?

As the week has progressed, the answer became pretty clear. Why do I get frustrated when nap time isn't what I want it to be? Because I feel I have the right to some down time during the day. Why do I get angry when fits are thrown or toys aren't picked up or when sleepless nights begin to become the norm instead of the exception? Because I feel I have the right to expect perfection from others and sleep and alone time for myself.

My dissatisfaction with things comes because I believe deep down in my heart that I have the right to have an easy life full of fulfilling opportunities for myself.

My desires, or what I feel are my rights, have become my idols. They have become the thing I chase after more than I chase after God.

My rights have been submitted to the proper authority and my focus is on chasing after God even in the midst of a life full of dirty diapers, tantrums, messiness, no alone time, little money, an adoring husband, kids who love me, a house with very little things that need fixed, friends who call to check on me, a mom who drops everything to support me, and sisters who bring great joy to my heart every time we talk.

Idols make it really easy to focus on what's missing in life. God makes it really easy to focus on how much He has blessed my life.

Meditation on God's word is powerful.

This Book of the Law shall not depart from your mouth, but you shall meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do according to all that is written in it. For then you will make your way prosperous, and then you will have good success. Joshua 1:8

Goals for this week:

• Finish Life with God by Richard Foster
• Continue memorizing and meditating on Ezekiel 36:25-27
• Focus on daily submitting my rights and chasing after God.
  

My Spiritual Journey

I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you shall be clean from all your uncleannesses, and from all your idols I will cleanse you. And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit within you, and cause you to walk in my statutes and be careful to obey my rules.

Ezekiel 36:25-27

The past few weeks have been long weeks. The kind that twist and turn your emotions and just wear you out. God has used these long weeks to teach me so much.

The one thing that has been evident in everything that I've been learning is the fact the God is living and active and working in me and all around me. Not that I would have ever denied that fact, but God has been opening my eyes and my mind to be constantly aware of God's hand and the fact that He is working. Its a lot more fun to walk through difficult situations when your eyes are keenly watching for God's hand among all circumstances. I truly believe that has been God's gift to me the past few weeks...the ability to constantly be aware of His presence and his purpose in all things so that life does not have the ability to get me down, but rather encourages me and spurs me on.

Why the verse at the top? The past few weeks, I've just been keenly aware of God's working in my heart. He has been cleansing me and removing some stuff but at the same time satisfying me and speaking to me. The more I am aware of Him on a continual minute by minute basis, the more dependent I become on the Holy Spirit working in my life. This verse speaks to me about how active God is and reminds me to be thankful that we don't serve a passive God, but an active God who is continually speaking to us and drawing us unto Himself.

Hope the ramblings make sense =) Brent is gone for the week, so this week my goals are a bit smaller. I'm not a good single mom!

Goals from last week:

• I'm still reading Life With God. Great food for thought!
• I'm finish with Isaiah and am now reading Ezekiel. What a great book to teach me how all things, even destruction, has a purpose in God's kingdom.
  

Goals for this week:

• Continue reading and meditating on Ezekiel.
  
• Memorize Ezekiel 36:25-26
• Have morning devotions with the kids over breakfast. With Brent not here in the evenings, I know the devotions won't happen at night unless I start doing them in the morning.
  

My Spiritual Journey

More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.
Romans 5:3-5

Last week I wrote about wounds. This week I'm writing about the blessings of the wounds.


See last week I would have told you about certain areas of my life that needed to be refined. Areas that were clearly evident to me as I observed my day. I would have laid out my spiritual journey for you completely differently if the wounds had not occurred.


This week my journey took a completely different turn that what I expected. I have seen completely different areas that need to be refined. Wounds do that. They pull back the scales from your eyes and reveal sin. Not the type of sin that you try to hide from yourself or other people. The type of sin that you don't even know exists until God chooses to reveal it to you.

Yes, wounds are good. Wounds are refining. Wounds prove that God is alive and active and cares enough about you to keep working on you.Goals from last week:

• I lost the book Life With God! I've started reading Prayer again in preparation for a session I'm teaching over prayer. I know the other book is in the house somewhere! I'll keep looking this week =)
• I've failed on the TV thing this week too. So You Think You Can Dance is my downfall!
  
• Still reading Psalms at night and working on meditating. I have really enjoyed working on the discipline of meditation. I'm not good at it yet, but its a fun journey!

Goals for this week:

• No TV except for So You Think You Can Dance. For the kids of course. The girls look forward to watching it during our Girls' Night =)
  
• Find and continue reading Life With God.
  
• Review Meditation
• Start memorizing scripture again.
  

My Spiritual Journey

This past week I've been dealing with some disappointing situations.

Over the weekend,
the disappointments
turned
to wounds.


Deep wounds.

Wounds that penetrate the very depth of your soul.

Wounds that bring tears to the eyes with a mere thought.

Wounds that won't heal overnight.

But the fight begins.

I refuse to allow these wounds to stay open and fresh.

No they will not fester bitterness.

Through God's grace, the wounds will heal. They may leave a permanent scar, but they will heal. It may just take time.

God never promises we won't get hurt in life. He only promises He'll never leave us.

For he wounds, but he binds up;
he shatters, but his hands heal. Job 5:18

Behold, this we have searched out; it is true.
Hear, and know it for your good.” Job 5: 27

Goals from Last Week:

• Reading Psalms before bed has been great. I haven't succeeded every night, but working in that direction. Meditating on TRUTH from scripture has been life giving this week.
  

Goals for this Week:

• Keep reading Psalms before bed.
• Keep meditating on the truth of scripture throughout the day
• Continue reading Mastery and Life With God
• No TV this week
  

My Spiritual Journey

I'll just say I failed on my goals from last week. I did really well for 2 days and then everyone got sick and stopped sleeping. Instead of calmly reading the Psalms before going to sleep, I simply fell into bed exhausted and sick. We are all finally healthy (except for Justus) and hopefully we'll make it through this week without any more sleepless nights! So no new goals this week. I'm just starting where I tried to start last week. We'll see how it goes!



This song has been playing through my mind as I deal with some disappointments this week. Thought I would share. I attached the lyrics below as well. Hope you enjoy!

You Are Still Holy - Kim Hill
Navigation: K \ Kim Hill \ You Are Still Holy

Holy, You are still holy
Even when the darkness surrounds my life
Sovereign, You are still sovereign
Even when confusion has blinded my eyes

Lord, I don't deserve Your kind affection
When my unbelief has kept me from Your touch
I want my life to be a pure reflection
Of Your love

And so I come into Your chamber
And I dance at Your feet, Lord
You are my Saviour
And I'm at Your mercy
All that has been in my life
Up 'til now
It belongs to You
You are still holy

Holy, You are still holy
Even though I don't understand Your ways
Sovereign, You will be sovereign
Even when my circumstances don't change

Lord, I don't deserve your tender patience
When my unbelief has kept me from Your truth
I want my life to be a sweet devotion
To You

And so I come into Your chamber
And I dance at Your feet, Lord
You are my Saviour
And I'm at Your mercy
All that has been in my life
Up 'til now
It belongs to You
I belong to You

You are still holy
You are still sovereign
You are still holy, Lord
You are still righteous
You are all-knowing
You are still holy

My Spiritual Journey

I think we all go through different seasons in our walk with the Lord. Sometimes we need intense study, sometimes we're holding on for dear life, sometimes we just immerse ourselves in prayer and meditation. There's a time for all of it as we walk our journey with the Lord.

The past 6 months I've been in a season of survival. I always get that way after having a baby. I immerse myself in prayer throughout the day and short tidbits of scripture to fill my mind with truth; however there is very little structure or rhythm or goal-setting. If I were to do that, my time with the Lord would simply become something to check off. Instead I know that it takes me about 6 months to get back to normal after having a baby and so during that 6 months, I am way informal in my time with the Lord.

But its now been 6 months and I'm feeling the push from the Lord to no longer just float through life. I know he's calling me back into structure so that I have the disciplines set up that He can use to teach me and change me.

This past week, I've gone from just reading short scripture passages to reading through an entire book. I've been stuck in Isaiah this week. For some reason I can't put it down. It has been speaking truth in my life like crazy and giving me tons to think about and meditate on.

I've also decided to try to deepen how I meditate on scripture. In the book Meditation by Jim Downing, he suggests that you begin your personal time of worship right before you go to bed. You read the Psalms or whatever you usually read first in the morning right before you go to bed. He suggests that by doing this, you're allowing your subconscious to meditate on that scripture all night while you're sleeping. Then when you wake up, you're already familiar with the passage and can begin to experience deeper personal worship times in the morning. So here's to trying new ways to meditate!

Goals:

• No TV at night this week. I want the last thing my mind to think about to be God's word instead of CSI or Law and Order =)
• Read through a chapter of Psalms before my head hits the pillow at night
• Continue to read through Isaiah every day this week
  

I know goal setting and structure isn't for everyone and it definitely has its seasons where its not useful to me, but now is the time where God has called me back to structure so that He can use it to teach me and draw me closer to Him. Pray I make the transition back into spiritual discipline quickly. As I tell my kids, I want to obey right away, all the way, and with a happy heart =)

My Spiritual Journey

"For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks" Matthew 12:34

Meditation:
I've been meditating on these verses over the past few days. I think these were some of the first verses I learned as a kid, but yet, this week they have spoken so much truth into my life.

Its almost like the Lord has taken such a simple concept I've learned a million times and given me a visual in my mind as I walk through the day. The visual picture of submission to the Holy Spirit in the midst of the pressures of life. A vivid reminder to get out of the way and let the Holy Spirit refine my heart.

Such a simple truth....

Such a freeing truth...

My Spiritual Journey

Do you not know that a little leaven leavens the whole lump? Cleanse out the old leaven that you may be a new lump, as you really are unleavened. For Christ, our Passover lamb, has been sacrificed. Let us therefore celebrate the festival, not with the old leaven, the leaven of malice and evil, but with the unleavened bread of sincerity and truth

I Corinthians 5:7-8

Repentance, spiritual growth, testing, spiritual growth, conviction, repentance, spiritual growth.....

This seems to be the cycle in my life so far. The Lord brings me to a point of conviction and repentance. Immediately afterwards, I begin to walk through a season of intense spiritual growth. This growth usually results in some circumstance where what I am learning begins to get tested. The testing results in more spiritual assurance and growth. But the closer I get to the Lord, the more my eyes are opened to my own sinfulness...and the cycle continues.

Its a good cycle. Its a cycle of sanctification, becoming more like Christ. Becoming more like Christ is so desirable; the path to get there is just sometimes not as attractive.

I think the past 2 months have been one where I'm walking through the testing cycle. Its been tough at times, but I'm beginning to see the growth as Christ continues to draw me to himself. I love being drawn closer to Him.

Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing
James 1:2-3

My Spiritual Journey

The scepter of your kingdom is a scepter of uprightness;
you have loved righteousness and hated wickedness.
Therefore God, your God, has anointed you
with the oil of gladness beyond your companions;
Psalm 45:6-7

Lots of things I'm praying for this week. Lots of things that are heavy on my heart. Friends are moving, mentors for all the women who need mentors, my kids, my husband,... But as I trust God and keep walking, my prayer is Psalm 45. To approach this week with gladness, the gladness that God is more than able to give.

If you see me this week, ask if I've been living as if I've been anointed with the oil of gladness. I think I might need the accountability =)

Goals for this week:

• Get up by 5:50am to spend time in the word (I'm slowly getting back to the 5:30 wake up time)
• Finish reading Meditation by Jim Downing
• Get back to consistently spending time in prayer in the afternoon once everyone is down for a nap. I think this is crucial for me to be able to continue to leave everything at our Father's feet so that I can walk in trust, gladness, and thankfulness throughout my week.
  

My Spiritual Journey

From the fullness of His grace we have all received one blessing after another.
John 1:16

Disappointment. Definitely been battling disappointment lately. Shattered dreams, canceled getaways, squashed plans...

I don't say this to evoke pity. Life happens. I write this to explain my battle. My battle with FEELING what I KNOW is true. After so many disappointments, its impossible to feel "one blessing after another." But its still TRUTH.

So this week, actually its been a few weeks, but especially this week, I'm moment by moment reminding myself of the TRUTH of eternity and not allowing myself to live in the disappointment of temporary circumstances.

Yes, mediating on John 1:16 has been good for me. God has been more than good to me.

My Spiritual Journey

In honor of working on simplicity, today I am simplifying my house. I know, I know. It may not seem like much of a spiritual journey, but the Lord is really teaching me how to simplify in order to serve Him wholeheartedly. During a conversation at Pine Cove, I was really convicted about not just simplifying my heart's attitude, but simplifying my home as well. So this week is about walking in obedience to that conviction!Today, my kitchen began the simplifying process. I had to beg help for this though. I am not an organizer! I do not see things in organized bins or boxes. I see things in organized piles and drawers (aka why I have 4 junk drawers in the kitchen, a continual pile of "important papers" on the microwave, and a continual pile that Brent needs to look at on the island...organized piles =) ) I also see items and think of a time in the future when I will probably need that item but know that we won't be able to afford to re-buy it, so I keep everything...just in case. So Ellie was gracious enough to come teach me how to simplify...all while our combined 6 kids played together =)Between watching the kids and cooking dinner for everyone, I took us 4 hours to organize and simplify the kitchen, but, 3 bags of trash and a huge pile of stuff to sell later, we finished!

I think next week we'll tackle the laundry room...or maybe the master bedroom...hmmm I think I'm really going to like simplifying my house =)

My Spiritual Journey

Simplicity...Week 1:


"The Christian Discipline of simplicity is an inward reality that results in an outward life-style" -Richard Foster



The inward reality is what God has been teaching me this past week. I thought that I would try to simplify life for a week and just seek God. God had other plans. He allowed numerous stressful circumstances to be thrown my way all while trying to be a single mom for the week. I quickly learned that I had to work on this inward simplicity so that I could walk through these outward circumstances.



"If what we have we receive as a gift, and if what we have is to be cared for by God, and if what we have is available to others, then we will possess freedom from anxiety. This is the inward reality of simplicity."- Richard Foster



Sounds easy enough, right? Practicing was a bit hard for me at times. But practicing I am. And I'll continue practicing seeing all those circumstances as gifts. I think I'll be working on this inward reality of simplicity for a while =)

My Spiritual Journey

"They remembered that God was their Rock, that God Most High was their Redeemer...their hearts were not loyal to him..." Psalm 78: 35, 37

This morning as I was reading the Psalm, these verses stuck out to me, convicted me, and made me start to think.

Why: This summer has been extremely busy. It seems like there has been something almost every night and every weekend since the summer started. Being busy isn't a sin, but yet I just haven't been able to have this flourishing relationship with the Lord this summer. I've been learning things and applying, but just not flourishing.

What does this mean: This morning, the Lord began speaking to my heart about the busyness in my life. When I'm busy, I still definitely "remember" God. I know and recognize He is my "redeemer", and I thank Him for that. However, there is no way for my heart to be loyal to Him continually because I'm too busy jumping from one thing to the next. My heart and mind can't stay fixed on the things of Him because I'm more worried about schedules and deadlines and activities and traveling and all the other things that cause a busy schedule. It is in the simplicity of life where I find I can walk WITH God moment by moment. Busyness is what causes spiritual defeat for me.

Its funny. Just as I was about to turn to Brent and tell him what I was talking to God about, he walked up to me and handed me the book "The Life You've Always Wanted" by John Ortberg and said, "read this chapter." The chapter was entitled, An Unhurried Life. Brent then started to talk about what God had been telling him that morning. Its crazy how God choose to speak to both of us at the same time about our schedules. One of my favorite quotes from this chapter was, "You must ruthlessly eliminate hurry from your life." It then goes on to say, "The great danger is not that we will renounce our faith, but settle for a mediocre version of it." A mediocre relationship with Christ is not what I desire. Needless to say, this chapter further convicted me about our schedule these past few months.


What Am I Going to Do: I am slowing down. I know some people think that because I stay home, I probably already live a pretty slowed down life. I'm hoping that stereotype will be true in the coming months. I desire to live in obedience to the Lord. What that obedience looks like, I'm not quite sure at this point. But I do know that I will be spending this week seeking the Lord's guidance on how to slow down but yet still do everything we've been called to do. I desire to be productive, but I don't desire to be busy. There's a fine line, and I pray the Lord will show me how to balance that in the coming weeks.

Goals:

• I guess this means I'm going to start practicing the spiritual discipline of simplicity. This week is week 1 of practice time. I'll let you know how it goes =)
  

My Spiritual Journey

Green tea is my friend today. I woke up unable to swallow without hurting, so hot tea will be what sustains me today. All that to say, short and sweet will be this week's post =)

Last week, I talked about how the Lord was stirring up boldness in my heart to share Christ. Here are a couple examples of what God has done since last Tuesday.

• Tuesday afternoon I started reading a book my sister gave me last Thanksgiving entitled Still Red by Georgina Sam and David Wang. I've started reading it a couple different times and just never really got into it. I honestly think God was holding me off on reading it until he started stirring up this need to share Him with others. And this book will definitely inspire you to be bold and get up off your behind to tell others about the Gospel!. Nonfiction book about 2 Chinese men and a Chinese woman living in China who have accepted Christ. The result of them accepting Christ was to share Christ, get arrested, share Christ, get arrested, and so on. An incredible picture not only of Christianity under persecution, but the power of Christ as you tell others about him. One of my favorite quotes was as one of the men was sitting in the office of one of the Red Guards and was being asked to denounce Christ and worship communism. "Either God is God or He isn't. If He is, I have no choice but to follow Him and share Him with everyone." The book was perfect for me to read as the Lord continues to challenge me to live a life of evangelism.

• Thursday night, our neighbor walks up to Brent and I and starts to talk about her stepdaughter. She proceeds to ask us if we'll talk with her sometime. We schedule for her to come over Friday night after the kids go to sleep. Not only are we able to share our testimony with her, we're able to answer questions and tell her about Christ.
  

Those are just 2 of the many examples this past week where Christ has challenged me to share my faith. Its fun to see the Lord teach me something and then to visibly be able to see Him use me as I try to implement what He's taught me. Its been a fun week!

My Spiritual Journey

Here has been the progression of my thoughts throughout the past week.

I started the week reading Acts 9. "Go" in verse 11 and verse 15 kept popping out to me as I read and reread the passage. So naturally I started praying for God to tell me where to go or why he was putting the word "go" in my heart.

The next day as I was reading Acts 10, I wrote these two statements in my journal

• God speaks to those who pray. Both Cornelius and Peter were men of prayer. It was during prayer that they both were able to hear about ways to better obey God.
  
• God totally orchestrated this event. He gave 2 different men 2 different visions and prepared them to meet each other. God overcame the obstacles without the help of men.

So then I started meditating on the idea that I'm to go somewhere or to someone. God will reveal who or where to me as I pray and will overcome any obstacles that are in my way. Above all, he doesn't need my help to do it.

Then I read Acts 11 and these two verses stuck out in my mind all day

• "They were told and a great many believed"
• He saw the grace of God...he was glad, and he exhorted them to remain faithful with a steadfast purpose...he was a good man, full of the Holy Spirit and of faith."

Oh to be able to tell others and have a great many of them believe! There's something stirring inside me to just share Christ. To find those who don't know the Truth and share with them. I know as believers we are called to share, and I do...when the circumstances are just right and the people are just right and the environment is just right and I have no fear of being rejected because their attitude towards me is just right.

This week, as I put together all my scattered thoughts in my journal, I see the Lord beginning to strip me of how I've always been comfortable sharing Christ with others. I feel Him telling me to be bold, at the park, at the grocery store, where ever. I know he is reassuring me that He will show me who to share with as I continue to pray and rely on Him and that He will overcome all obstacles I feel I have...such as being a ministers wife and a stay at home mom who doesn't have a whole lot of contact with nonbelievers and when I do meet nonbelievers, it is as I'm wrestling 3 kids in a grocery cart or at a park or somewhere like that!!

This week I long to be characterized as Barnabas was...full of the Holy Spirit and of faith. Faith that God can push me and develop in me that passion and obedience to share Christ with "a great many".

My Spiritual Journey

Honesty. Harder to do than to say. Honesty with myself about myself is a hard thing. I want to gloss over the bad stuff and focus on the good stuff...or at least the stuff that doesn't seem really really bad.

However, honesty in my prayers is important. I watched a DVD of a sermon Chris Webb preached at the Renevore conference Brent went to in San Antonio last week. He spoke at the last Renevore conference I went to in Houston as well. When this man speaks, you just listen. He is funny and motivating, but mainly just oozes Christlikeness.

So his sermon was about sin...sort of. But mainly it was about being honest with God. He used David as an example of a sinful life. David was constantly sinning, but yet he was a man after God's own heart. He then read the honest feelings that David wrote in the Psalms. Honesty about wanting people dead, about God forsaking him, about hating people. Very honest and hard to really read sometimes. Those are all emotions I would be ashamed to admit to myself and would definitely never write them down for someone else to read. However, they are real emotions and David was very honest when he wrote them. That honesty was what allowed God to use him and change him.


The concept was that if we would just pray honestly about what is truly in our heart, then God could change that sinful stuff in us. You've heard that before right? So have I, but it forced me to stop and really think about how much I'm examining my life...really examining my life with honesty. Do I pray through my really sinful messed up stuff or just the "medium" sinful messed up stuff? Am I confident enough in my Savior to sit down with him and tell Him my dark stuff, or do I try to gloss over it quickly in my prayers and my life so I don't have to focus on what's not good about me?

We're all messed up and sinners. And honestly, I usually don't have a lot of trouble confessing my sins, but I definitely don't want to sit and discuss my sins or the root of those sins. I want to confess and move on quickly so I can forget. The transforming comes when I'm sitting and not just confessing and moving on, but discussing with honestly what is going on in my heart. Discussing those emotions that make me ashamed to even admit that they exist.

This week I am working on that honesty in my prayer life. In order to do that and really focus on God, I am committing to spending time with the Lord three times a day. I think I need at least that in order to keep me in the presence of God so that He can continue to transform me. There's nothing like honesty to make you realize how much you need transformed!

My Spiritual Journey

Continuous Prayer. That's been my journey this week. The Lord has been stretching my prayer life and habits. This year I've been working on praying with no solution in mind and pouring out my heart to Christ, but this last week, God decided to teach me about intercessory prayer...continuous intercessory prayer.

A good friend had her baby early. The baby was placed in the NICU and my friend eventually was discharged from the hospital only to make the long drive home without a baby in the back seat. From the minute I heard she was in labor until last night, I have not been able to sleep. The Lord placed such a heavy burden on my heart that all I could do was lay in bed and pray. I prayed with my girls during the day. I prayed while I washed dishes. I prayed all day and all night for that little girl and for my friend as she waited patiently for God to strengthen her daughter so she could bring her home. The baby came home on Monday night and suddenly I felt a release from my call to prayer.

Some good friends of Brent and I's have been going through some difficult working situations and needed to find clarification and a new job assignment. For the past 2 months, they have been continually in my prayers. Everytime I have sat down to nurse Justus, every time I hear him cry in the middle of the night, every time I go to put him to sleep, I think of this family and the decisions they are making and begin lifting them in prayer.

I've never felt this deep call for intercessary prayer before. I've never felt this emotional pull to pray without ceasing for something that does not involve my own personal life. Pray for others...of course. Feeling a call to continually pray and not to sleep until I pray for others has been a whole new thing.

Intercessory Prayer. I love it. Praise God he keeps revealing to me how deep my prayer life can become if I will allow it!

My Spiritual Journey

This past week, I started reading the book "Sacred Parenting: How Raising Children Shapes Our Souls" by Gary Thomas. I'm also still reading the book "MASTERY". Its amazing how the two are lining up to teach me one great concept.

My focus should never be on me or this world.

"If God's attitude toward me is suffering Love, my attitude toward others will be suffering love."

I put my kids names where it says "others". Not that parenting is always suffering, but definitely at times it can be. I always hit this slump after big social outings where there are a lot of people who I would love to hang out and talk to. For example, our church picnic Sunday night. Tons of people, a huge park, free food...it should all equal a great time, right?

And when I look at it in perspective, it does equal a great time, just not the type of "great time" I would choose. See we had to wake Justus to go which meant I pushed the stroller and walked in a circle around the playground equipment to try to get him to stop crying and go back to sleep. Then I got food ready for the girls to eat. Then I shoveled down my own food so I could feed Elliana because she won't eat when there's so much going on. I guess I could have let her starve but I knew we would get home late and I didn't want to have to feed her once we got home. Then I sat at "the edge of the village" so I could nurse Justus. Only to finish nursing in time to clean up the blanket and chairs and head home because it was past everyone's bedtime. Definitely not the "great time" I envisioned for myself.

Sometimes I just want to play irresponsibly. I want to talk and be able to focus on the conversation without looking in five directions to keep my eyes on all the kids. I want to sign up for a volleyball tournament, run in the field and play soccer, go hit a few balls on the softball field, or even just finish a glass of water, but that is not my reality right now.

Which is why I put my kids names in the "others" category when I think about Christ's suffering love towards me. Sometimes I get down about the fact that I seem to be on hold. My dreams, my passions, my desires, all seem to be on hold. And there are times, like Sunday night, where I want to take it out on my kids. I want to yell at them when they start to whine that they didn't get to play long enough or that they didn't get enough food, or that they need more to drink. I want to yell "have you noticed your mom hasn't eaten or drank anything since we've gotten here? Have you noticed I haven't gotten to play at all? Have you noticed what I've sacrificed to make sure you've had a good time?"

But then I take a deep breath and remember what Christ has called us to. He's called me to become holy like He is holy. Life is a refining fire to draw me into holiness. My aim and focus should be on that and everything else is just icing on the cake. When my focus shifts to put fun and my own personal desires ahead of the desire to be holy, then the dissatisfaction comes into play.

Gary Thomas says, "Most of us are inherently selfish when it comes to raising children. We're hoping for some benefit to come our way, and when we wake up to the truth that children can be embarrassing as well as exemplary, we become resentful and bitter, and a foul spiritual climate can soon take over the home...When we realize that having children isn't about us but is rather about God, then the trials and sacrifices of parenting are more easily borne. We see the purpose behind the difficulty, and we remind ourselves, "this isn't about me; it's about him.' The ultimate issue is no longer how proud my children make me, but how faithful I've been to discharge the duties God has given me. "(Sacred Parenting)

I started reading "Sacred Parenting" expecting to find some great tools to instill godliness in my kids. I've quickly realized that God is using this book, as well as "Mastery" to instill godliness in myself. I guess He figures that is the quickest way to instill godliness in my kids as well =)