Tuesday, February 03, 2009

My Spiritual Journey

Trust in him at all times, O people;
pour out your heart before him;
God is a refuge for us
Psalm 62

This is my prayer this week: For God ALONE, my soul waits in SILENCE. God ONLY is my rock and my salvation. My hope is from Him. My refuge is in Him. Trust in him at ALL times.

Trusting God: Seems easy enough, but oftentimes when I get nervous about something, the way I trust Him is by praying about the issue and then I avoid thinking about the subject all together. By avoiding any thoughts on the matter, I like to pretend that I'm trusting God for the solution, but in reality, even though I have prayed about the issue, I'm just plain avoiding the issue.

For example, the birth of this baby. I've been going back and forth about doing a VBAC or another C-section. Elliana was breach and so we ended up having a C-section with her, and generally my doctor makes you do another C-section with every birth after having a first C-section. I love my doctor, but she is very conservative. She has told us up front that if we choose to do a VBAC, she will be very cautious with it. She's also been very upfront about all of the negatives associated with a VBAC and really emphasized the risks involved.

Problem: I hated the C-section. My incision didn't heal well, I couldn't lift Avery for a month, home health had to come to the house for a month, it was generally just a lot harder of an experience than Avery's birth had been. So the natural choice would be to do a VBAC, right?

Enter hormones: Am I going to harm the baby? Am I being selfish? Should I just grin and bear the C-section? My parents live in Iowa now so at least with a C-section I could plan for them to be here to watch the girls and help out. If I do a VBAC, who will take the girls when I go into labor?

Enter Trusting God: God has been showing me that what I'm really good at is just praying and then trying to never think about the issue. That is what I've been calling trusting God. However, Psalm 62 says "Trust in Him at all times...POUR OUT YOUR HEART TO HIM" That pouring out my heart to Him is what I need to work on. Its a lot easier to just avoid the issue than to continually talk about it and pour out my heart about the issue.

Lesson: I take this "avoidance" stance with a lot of things in life. Its easy to avoid thinking about something which therefore keeps you from worrying about the issue and therefore FEELS as if you are trusting God. God is revealing to me the deeper level of trust that He desires from me. The trust that comes from pouring out my emotions, thoughts, worries, and desires but yet still trusting Him to come up with the correct solution.
Goals from 2 weeks ago:
  • I got stuck on the whole memorizing thing. We put the verses on cards outside the shower so I can learn them while I shower, and I kept forgetting to add the next card! But I have Matthew 5:1-6 down really well by now =) We just added the next card this morning so we can get back on the memorizing wagon.
  • Still getting up in the morning
  • Have not started a new book yet. I'm reading some of "Prayer" again and then trying to finish "A Tale of Two Cities" and "The Scarlet Pimpernel" so I can finish all my lesson plans for the semester before the baby comes.
Goals for this next week:
  • Memorize Matthew 5:1-10
  • Find time to begin a new book
  • Add a middle of the day "quiet time" with the Lord

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